"Mail-order brides" is one of those topics you might usually see on 20/20 or Dateline. But when you hear about an American guy who suddenly is talking about marriage after taking a short trip to the Phillipines, you can't help but raise an eyebrow and think to yourself, "Is she one of those Filipina mail-order brides?" This has happened to me twice so far. Not knowing much about the subject, I decided to learn more about how these American men seek these foreign (usually Asian, Hispanic, or Russian) wives through the internet. What I found was disturbing - numerous websites geared towards finding foreign "mail-order brides". The following is a summary of how the entire process works: 1) 18+ year-old foreign woman posts pictures and descriptions about her desires to be a wife 2) American man pays a service fee to contact her 3) If both parties are interested, they send e-mails & talk on the phone 4) American man takes a trip to visit the woman at least once (to satisfy INS requirements) 5) Foreign woman applies for fiancee/spousal visas and they get married 6) New foreign bride arrives to the US. And if that isn't scary enough, this whole process can take place in a matter of months!!
Now, why does this strike me as odd? Because esentially, two people who barely *know* each other from two entirely different countries & cultures can get married quite quickly & easily! I don't believe you can truly get to *know* a person through e-mails, phone conversations, and a trip or two - not to mention, the honeymoon stage of a new relationship. And by rushing such a relationship and imposing marriage so soon, both the husband and wife are entering a VERY risky situation since they may have VERY different expectations about how they envision their marriage.
I found one website called
FilipinaWives.com that really disturbed me. It presents foreign matchmaking services in a very positive light without addressing the riskiness of such a marriage (perhaps, because that would not be a financially lucrative business?). But is this website truly helping these American men in the way it portrays? I'm not so convinced. For example, one webpage
FilipinaWives.com Mail-Order Brides clearly demonstrates the type of pretzel logic that is used to persuade these American men into believing that finding Filipina wives through the internet is not such a wierd concept afterall. This could ultimately be harmful to these men (and the women that they marry) in the long-run.
In the process of examining the illogical explanations and arguments, I decided to counter a few of its FACT or FICTION claims from
FilipinaWives.com Mail-Order Brides (as an aside, I'd like to point out that the author tends to make FACT or FICTION claims about statements that are opinions!! ) in the rest of my blog entry:
2: American men who seek Filipina wives through correspondence services are "losers."
PROBABLY!: First of all, I disagree with the author that being a "loser" or not is even related to ethnicity, education level, religious affiliations, political/ideological beliefs, age, state residence, and/or economic status. However, the author does note that the definition of "loser" may vary from person to person. To me, I consider these men "losers" if they are driven to find foreign internet wives because: 1) they don't think American women will accept them and/or 2) they don't think American women will be obedient enough to them. In other words, they seek foreign wives who don't really know them because they think that these women will accept them easier (perhaps because these men have low-self esteems) and/or they these women will be more submissive to them (perhaps because these men have egos). These men need to better understand themselves rather than run away from their personal issues by marrying foreign internet brides.
4: Filipina-American marriages are more successful than American-American marriages.
HOW CAN YOU PROVE THIS?: The author claims that according to the Commission on Filipinos Overseas report, there is a divorce rate of 20% between Filipina-American marriages. But what is the definition of a "successful marriage"? Just because two people are married doesn't necessarily imply that they are in a "happy" marriage (if you define success as both husband and wife being "happy" - and then, how do you define "happy"?). Afterall, the wife might not be so inclined to divorcing since she may be in a more vulnerable position if she leaves her husband. English is most likely not her first language. She may not familiar with the laws and her rights in the US. She may not be able to support herself economically. She may not have family/friends to support her locally. She may not know how to do things that her husband typically takes care of. She may shame her family, culture, and/or religion if she divorces. And if she has children, the situation becomes more complicated very quickly. In the end, divorce may be avoided for various reasons and can not be used as the only measurement for a "successful marriage".
8: All Filipina "introduction services" are in reality illegal "mail order bride" companies.
LEGAL LOOPHOLES?!: Sure, technically these "introduction services" are legal. They are not promising marriage and are simply a service used to introduce two people. Also, the current laws attempt to protect both parties from problems that plague traditional "mail-order bride" cases in the most literal, strictest sense in which a husband paid for a wife he never met to be sent to him. Such problems include the foreign wife being abused/murdered, the foreign wife marrying the American husband for his U.S. citizenship. etc. Ideally, if the law imposes stricter rules (i.e., requiring that the husband and wife must have met face-to-face at least once, they must provide proof of a *real* relationship), then risk is minimized for these both husband and wife because the marriage is more likely to be based on a *real* relationship. But, if both parties desire to do the minimum to prove they have a *real* relationship and get married, it is still technically legal. However, if the INS finds out that you've met through an internet service and then had one trip to meet the other person, they will be highly suspicious of the new marriage. And the INS has a right to be concerned because these are two strangers that are getting married. Something is wrong with the equation! What irks me even more is that this website describes in detail how to deceive the Philipina girl and her family (i.e., what to say, how to act, etc.), the INS (i.e., what not to mention, what documents to collect, etc.), and the American man himself (i.e., why marrying a Philipina internet bride is normal). If you truly have a normal, *real* relationship, you won't need a step-by-step recipe describing how to successfully trick someone into coming to the US to be your wife.
9: "As soon as she gets over here she's going to want to bring her whole family over!"
YOU NEVER KNOW!: Sure, it will take a while to process her paperwork before she becomes a U.S. citizen and starts filling out the paperwork to bring her relatives to the U.S. But marrying a U.S. citizen is the first step to starting the whole process. The point is, does a man want a woman marrying him for who he is as a person or for his U.S. citizenship? And how can he be so sure that she is marrying him for the person that he is if he barely knows her? She doesn't completely know him and he doesn't completely know her either. A marriage resulting from a "correspondence service" (or "mail-order bride" service or whatever you want to call it) is a huge risk with a lot of unknowns.
I hope that these American men will not think solely about their own needs, but also about these foreign women and their lives too. There are plenty of local women already in the US!! Two local people can date each other in the same proximity, thoroughly learn about each other (which takes time and patience), and truly love each other in a *real* relationship before getting married... this will lessen the risks for both the woman and man and ideally, lead to a more "successful" marriage.
